If she had any idea that what happened all those years ago would have the effect it has had now, I wonder if she would've dealt with it differently, but there again maybe she would'nt have. Though we will never know.
How can one person have such a hold on someones life that it grows inside of them,literally grows, so big that it cannot be shrunk. But then I'm not entirely sure she wanted it to go, or not bad enough anyway, because you see you have to want it to go, REALLY want it and I don't think she did. The pain she had inside her I think so bad that she needed to find a way out and this was her way out.But if she knew the impact and effect it is having right now I wonder if she could've tried fighting.
Some more than 30 years ago she lost someone, someone I never knew though a part of me and very close to her. He drowned on their first day on holiday in Spain, apparently, because I'm not entirely sure you see, I get told different stories, he was being chased round the pool slipped, fell in and choked on his own vomit. He was rescued but not able to be resussitated. My Dad and eldest sister saw all this happen and couldn't do a thing but she wasn't there, she wasn't there for him, a trained nurse you see.
From there on in everything changed and not for the better either. They were so wrapped up in their own grief that they forgot something so important, their only daughter. Did it not occur to them, ok she was only 10 years old, but did it not occur to them that she was grieving too? It didn't because she simply did not exist to the point she wasn't even allowed to her own brothers funeral! They were so wrapped in grief that the poor girl had to find her own way in life, at 10 years old.
What she described as perfect family unit where she was Daddy's girl, no longer existed and was never regained as far as she was concerned. But then there came hope when she announced I was arriving! This brought complete hope to everyone, that the arrival of me would bring back everything they had lost, but you see I was the wrong sex a much wanted child but the wrong sex. Then 2 years later came another child, which they doted on too but being the wrong sex this time didn't seem to be an issue or so it seems.
So I suppose from the outside a perfect family unit, 3 healthy children all doing well in all aspects of life, both parents working bringing good amount of money living in a lovely home in a nice area. Though inside, we knew different well 2 of us saw it that way.